Sunday 2s vs Bricklayers Arms
Author: Paul Hogarth
Match Report |
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It would be fair to say that we have been hammered into the ground in our last couple of games. Our bowling has been OK, however our fielding has been poor, with too many dropped catches to mention. Our Batting however has been, largely woeful. There have been a few sparks of inspiration in our otherwise nightmarish innings. One particular performance came last week against Woking and Horshall from Chris Henson. This amazing event, (that was not mentioned by the skippers in his error strewn, pidgin English excuse for a match report), energized the skipper Powell into drastic action this week before our home match against Bricklayers Arms. But what did Henson achieve to galvanize the skipper? Many moons ago Henson purchased a huge ‘bugger’ of a bat weighing almost four pounds, to assist his batting. After several outings he was yet to face a ball. Some bright spark suggested he went the ‘Full Metal Jacket’ route and give his bat a girls name…..To this end he christened his mighty blade …TULULAH!! Well Tululah didn’t do so well for at first…..some said she was just a Slut, brazenly showing off her massive edges encased in low cut silicone tape, to the bowlers. Some said she was a tease, flirting with all the balls but never letting them touch her virgin frame. But against Woking Tululah popped her cherry. She had been waiting for the right ball to come along and woo her and when it did she let it caress her right in her sweet spot. The ball flew to the boundary…four BIG ONES for Henson and Tulalah! With this event in mind and as a way of halting the atrocious second XI batting the skip called in a batting drill instructor to knock us into shape at a specially arranged net. (When was the last time most of any XI even turned up to a net! - Ed) This is what happened; The Drill instructor’s opening speech: (in an American drill instructor voice) If you ladies leave my nets, if you survive batting training ... you will be a weapon, you will be a minister of runs, praying for overs. But until that day you are pukes! You're the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human F***** beings! You are nothing but unorganized grabasstic pieces of amphibian s**t!Tonight ... you pukes will sleep with your bats! You will give your bat a girl's name! Because this is the only pussy you people are going to get until your score some runs. You will repeat this promise: This is my bat. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My bat is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it, as I must master my life. Without me my bat is useless, (unless Rich borrows it) Without my bat, I am useless. I must bat straight. The bowler, who is my enemy, is trying to get me out me. I must hit him for four before he hits my stumps. I will. Before God I swear this creed. My bat and myself are defenders of Putney CC Sunday 2 XI scorecard . We are the masters of our opposition. We are the saviours of our innings. So be it, until there are no more overs left. So help me God. Amen. (I'm pretty sure there's an error in that - Ed) The instructor then made the team stand with bat, in right hand at the high port and genitals in left hand and recite the following lines over and over; THIS IS MY CRICKET BAT, THIS IS MY GUN, THIS IS FOR SCORING, THIS IS FOR FUN. The net session seemed a little unusual and was not without problems; Bailey (our 16 year old quickie) said girls were stupid and wanted to name his bat Optimus Prime and James wanted to name his bat Sheila (despite all the Aussies WANTING THAT NAME!!). The session ended in tragedy when Barry found Chris (ah, but which one - Ed) in the toilet slowly oiling his bat and reciting in a strange voice; ‘2lb 7oz bat with Full Willow Jacket’ Barry: You had better get back to the net, if the instructor catches you you’ll be in a world of shit. Chris: I’m already in a world of shit, I lead the ducks league, Hogarth caught and bowled me at the club tourney and the instructor keeps calling me private quack quack! At that point the instructor entered the toilet. Chris smashed him in the head with his bat in a perfectly executed cover drive (in a monumentally impressive act of contortionism - Ed), much like he constantly fails to do on a Sunday. So…did this unorthodox training approach work against the Bricklayers? Was our batting better? Did we smash their bowlers all round the park and score an valuable moral boosting win to see us into the closing weeks of the season? Nahhhhhhhhh….we got screwed again!! Scores (if you are interested) on the website. Ps. If you have never seen Full Metal Jacket; 1. You won’t understand this report. 2. You are not a real man and should be ashamed of yourself. Paul Hogarth (In other news there is a net on Thursday so get down to Barn Elms at 7PM, no drill instructors, but Jon and I will be there! - Chris) |
Date | Time | Team | Opposition | Location | Putney | Opposition | Result | Scores | Points | Toss |
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18/08/2013 | 2pm | Sunday 2nd | Bricklayers Arms | H | 158/10 | 222/8 | L | 0 |