Sunday 2s vs Long Ditton
Author: Jack Bickford
Match Report |
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‘What is human life but a game of cricket?’ is a quote famously attributed to the 3rd Duke of Dorchester (although I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this). What is less famously known is that this is not the full quote. The full quote is: ‘What is human life but a game of cricket? Also top knots are a terrible hairstyle and you’re probably a bit weird if you have one.’ And as it was said, it was done, and Putney Sundays 2nd XI formed up on the field of battle. Initial nerves immediately began to jangle when we noticed the opposing team was not made up of the usual geriatrics and rapidly fossilizing specimens, but rather what could commonly be referred to as ‘the lads’. Perhaps this would be a match that we would have to win with wit and guile rather than the pure forceful athleticism normally displayed on a Sunday… Glorious Leader Beedle opened up this game of mental chess by putting us in to bat first, a complete alpha move on a green deck and under such overcast skies. The openers rode in with Connor’s sage advice ringing in their ears “Just don’t fucking get out to the guy with the top knot.” The team took his words to heart by generally trying to get out before the man even bowled. Buoyed by their recent A-level/GCSE/Key stage 3 results the opposition were bristling in the field and soon had opener Tycho walking for a duck after admirably trying to launch every ball from their opener into an alternate dimension. An immediate rebuilding commenced before I was presented with a ball of such reasonable quality that it was simply a better man than I, turning me into a soyboy beta and causing my ex to call just to break up with me again. Sam, not to be outdone, followed the very first ball of the next over, leaving us precariously positioned on 44-3. World-cup-style-phase-score; Putney: 0, Long Ditton: 1. Only one man could save our blushes and egos now, and luckily he was on our team not theirs. Rohit, doing what Rohits do racked up a sumptuous 57, filled with fours and maybe even a six. More important than his actual score though was the mental damage this did to the opposing team. Slipping from such a strong position surely nearly broke them. Genius tactical play from Putney. Phase score: 1-1. Throughout his scintillating endeavours, Rohit was supported by gritty innings from Soham, Noman and Tan, and an incredibly dishonourable innings by Henry who gently delivered the first ball of the fabled Top Knot’s spell straight to the hands of midwicket, Royal Mail first class signed for. Putney: -2, Long Ditton: 1. Connor, imbued with righteous fury at the concept of a man having such a hairstyle stormed in and smote the non-believers to all ends of the park, but mainly somewhere in the distance past the treeline. Mental advantage Putney again. At the other end, Beedle, requiring only one run to get his 50th for the club elegantly stepped around a ball to be bowled for a duck. As a team we were absolutely distraught at our leader falling just short of such a momentous milestone and immediately threw it all away to stutter to 167 all out in 30.3 overs. In the midst of our misery, Top Knot, perhaps missing the joke, kindly informed us that 50 total runs throughout your club career isn’t actually a lot, you morons, you absolute idiots, you useless betas. Another mental champing from the opposition. Putney: 2, Long Ditton: 103. Comrade Beedle opened the bowling, as the prophecy foretold. The mental warfare we had been exacting on our opponents had clearly had the intended effect and frayed their nerves, with the first ball of the innings resulting in both batsmen having an emotion-induced cuddle at the bowlers end. What we had not accounted for, however, is that war is hell and we were equally broken. The fact that the stranded batsman was a certain spikey character who may have got Henry out and may have humiliated me by telling me that numbers go bigger than 50 added too much further pressure. A slightly incompetent throw bounced awkwardly through my slightly incompetent legs and our chance was missed. Further meltdown ensued when Sam, clearly disturbed by the horrors of battle actually tried to kill their other opener with two head high full tosses, only to be dispatched for 6 both times. Any doubts that we were anything but fully at sea were erased when Sam then screamed at Tan for not attempting to take a diving blinder at point. We had been tested and found wanting in the mental battle, and our darkest hour was upon us Putney: 1, Long Ditton: infinity Only a man of incredible inner steel could bring us back from the edge. Sixty percent of South Africa’s exports come from mining, so of course Beedle was destined to be such a man. Two wickets and a panic-induced runout reduced them from 55-0 to 69-3 and put the Lion amongst the Springboks. During this melee of play there was another runout chance that many members of Putney CC were convinced was out, but the umpire, standing far enough away that he had to be on a step ladder to account for the curvature of the Earth denied us. This obviously led to some ‘mild’ discontent on the pitch and stoked the fire of revenge in our bellies. Much like the Australia-South Africa 1999 World Cup Semi-final, this would go down to the wire, and only the strongest willed would prevail. Putney: the letter i, Long Ditton: π It was time for spin and Tom, Henry and Connor got to twirling. Henry did ‘a big leggie’ to bowl a stubborn batsman around their legs and break a threatening stand, while Connor ratcheted up the tension further by calling the aforementioned umpire a cheat and refusing to hand his hat over while bowling. Mental disintegration. Meanwhile, Soham, a picture of calm amidst the sea of chaos (probably because, unlike the rest of us his self-confidence isn’t tied to the result of an inconsequential match) took a wicket second ball to bring the game back into balance at 104-5. Twenty runs later, he still hadn’t got the memo about how all was lost and induced a rash pull shot from their big captain on 89. The team experienced all five stages of grief as the ball sailed towards Tycho on the boundary, but he pouched it like a man unaware of the momentousness of the occasion. The game swung again. Going into the final phase it was Putney: 4, Long Ditton: 5. Forty runs required. Three wickets. Dozens of overs. Nerves: shot. Brain: soup. Arse: gone. Call the bookies and put it all on red. Beedle’s eyes lit up at the prospect of a shot at glory. Despite the spinners pushing the run rate right down and threatening the edge, the wickets and civilization itself, he, in a move later described as Gulbadin-esque brought himself back on to finish the job in style. Much to the joy of the spurned Henry and Connor, he got twatted. The game had fallen back into their grasp. The oppo had slashed to within 20 runs of the target and the bungee cord that was our nerves may have finally snapped. Were there any more tricks in the bag? In a last act of desperation, and looking for some divine inspiration Beedle turned to Tan, seeking wisdom beyond our comprehension. “No,” came the reply from upon high, “don’t bowl me, bowl Rohit.” And it was thus. Sighing as he stepped down from Olympus to join us Rohit thundered in and delivered what will later be described by scholars as a spell of medium pace bowling. Seven runs and three wickets later (including two consecutive ones to finish them off) he returned from whence he came, never to be seen again until maybe later when we were cleaning up. Putney win by 10 runs. Since then I’ve heard many things about the end of that match. Things such as people seeing the Virgin Mary in the sky above the pitch, or spotting a squadron of horseback Crusaders in the trees , or that the man with the Top Knot refused to shake Connor’s hand. All I know for sure is that people still talk about it to this day. DDJ: Sam for shouting at Tan and spending half of the fielding innings playing in the trees MPSFKACMOTDSTMOTD: Connor’s massive sixes Thanks for Coming: Noman MoM: Rohit for 57 and 3 crucial wickets for 7 runs. Jack |
Date | Time | Team | Opposition | Location | Putney | Opposition | Result | Scores | Points | Toss |
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07/07/2019 | 1pm | Sunday 2nd | Long Ditton | H | 167/10 | 157/9 | W | 0 |