Sunday 1s vs Hook & Southborough
Author: Hogarth
Match Report |
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Classification: OFFICIAL - RECIPIENT ONLY As I sat at my desk today (Wednesday) slaving over vitally important issues of national security my Whatsapp ‘pinged’ indicating that I had received a message. I ensured that the country would be safe for a few minutes in order to interrogate my mobile phone. It was Brooksy, of course. He tends to Whatsapp me at least thirty times a day and sometimes treks to my home, from his chicken shop employment, to Whatsapp me from my front door. Which is both strange and disturbing. Today, however he was contacting me from the chicken shop in a brief moments respite from the grill… ’Nandos always gets a little quiet just before lunch’ he informs me. The following conversation ensues; Brook: Hey…what you doin’ Me: National security, I could tell you but..etc etc etc. Brook: Just wanted to say how good you played on Sunday. Me: Well! Brook: What? Me: You just wanted to tell me how WELL I played on Sunday Brook: That’s what I said….anyway..thought you were brill opening the batting Me: Thanks Brook: Yeah you played real good Me: Really well! Brook: What Me: Never mind Brook: Yeah thought you were on for a half century. It was the pitch what got you out Me: That! Brook: What? Me: Is this important? I have a country to protect Brook: I’ll probably ask you to open the batting and bowling next game Me: What do you want? Brook: Well, you know Henry offered to write the match report? Me: Yup Brook: Well, he can’t. He has to revise for his GCSEs. Me: And? Brook: Can you do it. Pretty please on toast with Jam and chicken? Me: You should really put the question mark after…Oh never mind… I’ll try but I am saving the world at present and then off on my hols tomorrow? Brook: Cheers..got to go just had a big order come in…15 chicken burgers with fries..that’s a lot of grillin’! So here I sit…at work.. writing the match report. The country is probably going to hell in a handcart but Henry’s GCSEs are more important…it’s the boys future after all. So what to write? Well, first I must mention Rolf (I yearn to play Sundays) Merchant’s Saturday 2’s ‘homage to Sunday’ match report. Well done old chap and touché! We will make a Sunday player of you yet. Good to have a little interclub rivalry. In match reports only of course… not cricketing ability, no Sunday player is fit to tie a Saturday players shoelaces let alone practice in their net…God forbid! But in match report ‘bantz’ at least, we can hold our own ( OOOOOOO Matron!). So in the spirit of banter and reciprocity I will attempt to emulate my good friend Rolf and write Sundays report in the style that a Saturday player would. Here we go…. We arrived at the ground to play Cricket against another Cricket team. They were from Hook and Southborough. They are really good at Cricket, which is good because we are really good at Cricket too and play at a really high standard. Hogarth and Hannaford opened the batting for us. They are both really good at Cricket and play at a very high standard. They had to be really good at Cricket because Hooks bowlers were a really high standard and really good a Cricket too. Hannaford was bowled by a really good bowler who bowled to a really high standard. Hannaford is really good at batting but at the high standard of Cricket that we play you sometimes get out to really good Cricket bowling. Hogarth then batted with Sethi. He is really good at Cricket and plays at a really high standard. Hogarth and Sethi scored some really good runs with some proper Cricket shots that came right out of the ‘how to play really good cricket’ manual. Hogarth was out to a really good ball from a high class bowler. Jamola then batted. He is a really good Cricket batsman who plays really good Cricket. Jamola and Sethi scored lots of runs and played really good Cricket because they play to a really high standard. The bowlers, who played really good high standard Cricket bowled really high standard balls to Jamola and Sethi but because they are really good batsmen who play at a high standard they scored lots of really good Cricket runs. Jamola was caught by the really high standard slip fielder. Jamola got a big outside edge (even that was of a high standard) by a really good Cricket ball bowled by a really high standard bowler. As he is such a high standard Cricketer and Cricket played on this day of the week is so important, high standard and competitive Jamola decided, Stuart Broad style, not to walk. We all thought that it was a really high standard and competitive thing to do. The umpire had other ideas and triggered him! He scored 56 really good and high standard Cricket runs. He won’t get dropped to a lower team next week because he scored quickly and score lots of runs. Parmar, who is a high standard really good Cricketer batted next. He only score 3 runs then Kidson batted he got a duck. Both Kidson and Parmar are good cricketers but because we play at such a high standard and play really good Cricket this sort of failure cannot be tolerated. They will both be dropped to a lower team who can’t play really good Cricket and who are not as really good at Cricket as our children. Parmar and Kidson’s names have been expunged from our book of really good, high standard Cricketers who play on this particular day of the week. They will have to play on another day now and we will ignore them and shun them at net practice….pariahs!!! Sethi though, who is a really good Cricketer and plays at a high standard was on his way to a really good Cricket score of 98* and he was ably assisted at the crease by really good colt child Cricketer Harvey who scored 31*. We play at such a competitive high standard that Harvey didn’t think about giving Sethi the strike so he could achieve a really high standard ton. We are above that sort of personal landmark stuff. We leave that to teams who play on other days. We just remain very high standard competitive good Cricketers. We scored are really high standard competitive 231 runs. We had Tea. We didn’t talk to each other. Each man (or child, sorry Henry) sat silently and contemplated what had gone and what was to come. Everyone visualised their bowling or fielding as really good competitive Cricketers who play at a high standard sometimes do. We ran out on to the field eager to play really good high standard Criczzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Yawn….. God even I was getting bored..how do you guys do it every week! Well done to you…but let’s hope that Rolf has showed the way to make a report…at very least readable.. So where was I..bowling.. New boy Charlie ‘new Smith’ Rudd opened the bowling with The King. Rudd bowled fast and accurataly, Smith bowled military medium and accurately. Five wickets later the other bowlers were allowed to chip in. I suspect that Rudd will be scumfed away to play on another day where they play really high standard competitive Cricket and maybe Smith too….ohhh wait a minute.. didn’t he try that once? Maybe just Charlie then… Everyone picked up a wicket against a very low standard, uncompetitive batting line up…everyone except Seb who, to match his duck, didn’t get a wicket….is there a team below our team? Not sure…..but watch out Seb!... In short we won by lots of really low standard bad non-competitive runs. Hook were poor but we were less poor and therefore we won! We retired to the bar to drink our fill, laugh at ourselves and enjoy each other’s company…sounds awful to you competitive types I know…but us low standard Cricketers just can’t so no to a beer and some good Bantz! Brook did the usual…(I don’t mean brought himself on to bowl at the lower order so he can pick up cheap wickets) DDJ-Henry for wilfully stopping Serabs Ton and several fielding misdemeanours MPSFKACMOTDSTMOTD- Dan- bowling one ball in his cap, taking a wicket to finish the match and then taking his cap off to bow to the cheering crowd! Thanks for coming-Seb for doing F all MoM- Serab for outstanding 98* We continued drinking and bantering and looking at pictures of Demi-Rose until it got too cold to continue…We had a jolly good (Sun) day. |
Date | Time | Team | Opposition | Location | Putney | Opposition | Result | Scores | Points | Toss |
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09/06/2019 | 2pm | Sunday 1st | Hook & Southborough | A | 230/5 | 60/10 | W | 0 |